Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse: My Story of Healing and Hope

Content note: This article contains my personal experience of childhood sexual abuse and domestic violence. Please only continue if you feel comfortable doing so. If anything in my story affects you personally, support is available. You do not have to face it alone.

This is probably one of the most difficult subjects I have ever written about.

For many years, what happened to me as a child was something I carried quietly. Like many survivors, I learned how to continue with life while carrying experiences that had affected me far more deeply than people around me probably realised.

But I also know now that what happened to me does not define the woman I became.

I am sharing my story of surviving childhood sexual abuse because silence can sometimes leave us believing that we are alone.

We are not.

My story is mine, and I would never suggest that every survivor’s experience or healing journey will look the same. There is no correct way to respond to trauma, and there is no timetable for healing.

What I can share is what happened to me, how it affected me and how, eventually, I began taking my life back.

A Childhood That Changed Too Soon

My story began when I was around five years old.

My mother started a relationship with a man who would eventually become my stepfather.

At first, I was simply a little girl living my life. I didn’t have the understanding or language that I have now as an adult.

But gradually, things began happening that made me deeply uncomfortable.

I remember him watching me while I was in the bath when I was clearly old enough to bathe myself privately.

He tried to disguise his behaviour as a joke.

To me, it wasn’t funny.

I remember crouching down in the bath, desperately trying to cover myself while he watched through the glass above the bathroom door.

I would shout for him to get down.

Eventually he would, but the behaviour didn’t simply disappear.

As I grew older, so did my awareness that something was very wrong.

Growing Up Around Fear

What made everything even more complicated was the atmosphere at home.

I learned very quickly that certain behaviour happened when my mother wasn’t around.

At the same time, their relationship was extremely volatile.

I remember arguments and physical fights between them. On one occasion, I saw blood from a broken nose splattered on the living-room wall.

I was frightened.

As a child, home is supposed to be the place where you feel protected.

Mine didn’t always feel that way.

I didn’t feel that I could simply sit down with my mother and tell her what was happening.

Our relationship was difficult, and I believed I wouldn’t be heard or believed.

That is something I think people sometimes overlook when they ask why a child, or indeed an adult – doesn’t simply tell somebody.

Fear is complicated.

So is family.

And when you’re a child, the adults around you hold enormous power over your world.

When the Abuse Became Worse

As I became older, his behaviour became increasingly inappropriate.

There were times when he would pull me towards him and touch me sexually.

I remember trying to escape from those moments.

Sometimes my mother was nearby, and I would shout her name because I desperately wanted her to come into the room.

When she did, his behaviour would immediately change.

I learned something very young that no child should ever have needed to learn:

what he was doing was something he knew he shouldn’t be doing.

None of this was my responsibility.

I can understand that now.

As a child, however, you don’t necessarily have the ability to process what is happening to you.

You simply know that you’re frightened, uncomfortable or confused.

Why Survivors Don’t Always Speak Out

Looking back, one of the things I feel strongly about is the way we talk about disclosure.

It can be very easy to say:

“Why didn’t you tell somebody?”

But speaking out about abuse isn’t always simple.

A child may be frightened or may have been threatened.

They might not fully understand what is happening or have the words to explain it. They may worry that speaking out could affect their family, or fear that nobody will believe them.

Sometimes the person harming them is somebody the family loves or trusts.

And sometimes a child simply doesn’t have the words to explain what is happening.

If you experienced abuse and didn’t tell somebody immediately—or perhaps didn’t speak about it for many years—that does not make you responsible for what happened.

The responsibility belongs with the person who chose to abuse you.

Always.

Finding My Voice

For me, there came a point when staying silent no longer felt possible.

I began making noise.

If something happened and my mother was nearby, I called for her.

I tried to create situations where his behaviour would have to stop.

That was how I responded as a child.

Another survivor may have frozen.

Another may have become quiet.

Someone else may have tried to please the person hurting them because that felt safer.

These responses can look very different.

Survival isn’t always loud.

Sometimes survival means getting through another day.

Reporting What Happened

Many years later, as an adult, I reported what had happened to the police.

That was an enormous step for me.

It didn’t erase the past.

It didn’t suddenly make everything easy.

But for me personally, it was part of reclaiming my voice.

The man who abused me was eventually convicted and imprisoned.

I know that not every survivor receives that outcome.

Some people report abuse and don’t receive the justice they hoped for.

Others never report at all.

I don’t believe somebody’s experience becomes more or less valid according to whether there was a conviction.

What happened to you matters regardless of whether anybody was ever prosecuted for it.

Healing After Childhood Sexual Abuse

For me, healing after childhood sexual abuse didn’t happen in one dramatic moment.

It happened gradually.

There were things I had to understand about myself, emotions I had pushed away and behaviours and coping mechanisms I had developed without necessarily understanding where they came from.

And there were parts of my childhood that I eventually had to look at through adult eyes.

I also had counselling.

That support helped me work through some of the trauma I had carried for so long.

Asking for professional help wasn’t weakness.

For me, it became part of taking responsibility for the life I wanted to create after everything that had happened.

Trauma Can Affect Us in Different Ways

There is no single way that childhood trauma affects somebody.

Some people may experience anxiety, difficulties with trust, low self-worth, problems in relationships, shame, anger or fear.

Others may develop ways of coping that become harmful to them over time.

And some people may appear outwardly to be coping extremely well while struggling privately.

This is why I try not to judge another person’s journey.

We don’t always know what somebody has survived.

We don’t know what happens behind closed doors.

And we certainly don’t know what somebody has had to do simply to get themselves through another day.

Compassion matters.

Learning That What Happened Wasn’t My Fault

One of the most important things for survivors to hear is this:

A child is never responsible for an adult sexually abusing them.

It doesn’t matter what they were wearing.

It doesn’t matter whether they froze.

It doesn’t matter whether they shouted.

It doesn’t matter whether they told somebody.

It doesn’t matter whether they understood what was happening.

The responsibility lies entirely with the adult.

As children, we should have been protected.

Rebuilding My Self-Worth

Trauma can change the way you see yourself.

For me, healing eventually became about much more than surviving what had happened.

It became about discovering who I was underneath it.

I had to learn about boundaries.

I had to learn that my feelings mattered.

I had to understand that another person’s behaviour didn’t determine my value.

And perhaps most importantly, I had to learn that I was allowed to choose a different future.

I’ve written more about this in my article on embracing self-worth, confidence and healthy boundaries.

Self-worth isn’t believing you’re better than somebody else.

It’s recognising that you matter too.

How Trauma Can Affect Relationships

Our childhood experiences don’t necessarily stay neatly contained in childhood.

They can affect the relationships we form later.

Sometimes we become extremely sensitive to another person’s mood.

We may try to keep everybody happy.

We might tolerate behaviour that we shouldn’t because unhealthy behaviour has become familiar.

Or perhaps we stop trusting our own judgement.

That doesn’t mean we are destined to repeat the past.

Awareness gives us an opportunity to recognise patterns and begin making different choices.

If you find yourself constantly monitoring somebody else’s mood or changing your behaviour to avoid their reaction, my article 7 Signs You May Be Walking on Eggshells in a Relationship explores this in more detail.

Boundaries Became Part of My Healing

For many years, I didn’t fully understand boundaries.

I understand them very differently now.

A boundary isn’t about controlling somebody else.

It’s about recognising what you will and won’t accept in your own life.

For somebody whose boundaries were violated as a child, learning to establish them as an adult can be incredibly powerful.

You are allowed to say no.

You are allowed to leave a situation that makes you uncomfortable.

You are allowed to change your mind.

You are allowed to decide who has access to you.

And you don’t have to apologise for protecting your wellbeing.

Learning to Trust Myself Again

Another important part of my healing was learning to trust myself.

When you’ve experienced situations where your feelings were dismissed, ignored or overridden, it can become difficult to trust what you’re sensing.

You question yourself.

You wonder whether you’re overreacting.

You look to other people for reassurance.

Learning to trust yourself again takes time.

Sometimes it begins with something as simple as acknowledging:

“This doesn’t feel right to me.”

You don’t always need somebody else’s permission to listen to that feeling.

At the same time, I’ve learned that intuition works best alongside discernment, evidence and common sense.

That balance has become an important part of the way I approach both my personal life and my spiritual work through Age of Awakening.

From Surviving to Living

There is a difference between surviving and living.

For a long time, I think I was surviving experiences without fully understanding the effect they were having on me.

Healing gradually gave me something different.

Choice.

I couldn’t choose what happened to me as a child.

But as an adult, I could begin choosing what happened next.

I could seek help.

I could create boundaries.

I could walk away from unhealthy situations.

I could learn.

I could build a business.

I could become a mother.

I could love.

And eventually, I could tell my story.

Writing Out of the Shadows

Writing my memoir, Out of the Shadows: From Despair to Self-Acceptance and Love, became another part of that journey.

There were experiences in my life that I had spent years carrying privately.

Writing about them wasn’t about remaining trapped in the past.

It was about finally being able to look back at the whole journey and recognise just how far I had travelled.

I couldn’t change what happened to the little girl I once was.

But I could decide what I did with her story as an adult.

I chose not to hide it anymore.

I chose to speak openly about the experiences that shaped me, the mistakes I made, the things I survived and the person I eventually became.

If sharing my experiences helps even one person understand that their past does not have to determine their future, then speaking about them has meaning.

Speaking Out About Sexual Abuse

I believe there is enormous value in speaking out about sexual abuse, but I also believe we need to be careful about how we say that.

Nobody should be made to feel guilty because they aren’t ready to tell their story.

Nobody owes the world the details of their trauma.

Your story belongs to you.

If you do decide to tell somebody, choose a person or organisation that feels appropriate and safe.

That might be somebody you trust.

It could be your GP.

A counsellor or therapist.

A specialist support organisation.

Or the police, if you decide you want to report what happened.

You don’t have to tell everybody.

Sometimes telling one safe person is the beginning.

If a Child Tells You They Are Being Abused

If a child trusts you enough to disclose abuse, how you respond matters.

Listen.

Take them seriously.

Try to remain calm.

Don’t blame them.

Don’t interrogate them or pressure them to provide every detail.

Reassure them that telling you was the right thing to do.

And seek appropriate safeguarding advice promptly.

A child should never be made to feel responsible for what an adult has done to them.

Healing Isn’t About Forgetting

I don’t believe healing means pretending something never happened.

I haven’t forgotten my childhood.

There are experiences that will always be part of my story.

But they are no longer the whole story.

Healing, for me, has meant reaching a point where the past doesn’t control every decision I make in the present.

It means understanding myself more deeply.

Recognising patterns and creating boundaries for myself.

It also means allowing myself happiness without feeling that I somehow have to earn it.

And it means accepting that the woman I am today deserves compassion too.

Your Voice Matters

If you are reading this as a survivor, there is something I want you to know.

You don’t have to prove your strength to anybody.

You also do not have to tell your story publicly if you don’t want to.

And you definitely don’t have to forgive somebody because another person tells you that you should.

And you don’t have to heal according to somebody else’s timetable.

What matters is finding the support and path that are right for you.

There can be life after trauma.

I know because I am living it.

I have built a business I’m proud of through Age of Awakening.

I have written my story.

I have found love.

I have become a mother.

And I’ve reached a point in my life where I can look backwards without believing I still belong there.

My past is part of me.

But it does not own me.

Finding Support

Where to Find Help and Support in the UK

You may wish to speak with somebody you trust, your GP, a counsellor or therapist, or a specialist sexual abuse support service.

If you are in the UK, the following organisations can offer information and support:

Rape Crisis England & Wales – The 24/7 Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Line is available to people aged 16 and over who have experienced sexual violence or abuse at any point in their lives. Call 0808 500 2222 or use their online support service. nhs.uk
Rape Crisis England & Wales – Get Help

Childline – Children and young people under 19 can speak confidentially to a counsellor about sexual abuse or anything else that is worrying them. Call 0800 1111 or contact Childline online. NSPCC
Childline – Sexual Abuse Support

NSPCC – If you are worried about the safety or wellbeing of a child, you can contact the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000. NSPCC
NSPCC Helpline

NHS Sexual Assault Referral Centres (SARCs) – SARCs provide medical, practical and emotional support following rape, sexual assault or abuse. You do not have to report what happened to the police in order to seek help from a SARC. nhs.uk
Find a Sexual Assault Referral Centre – NHS

If you or somebody else is in immediate danger, call 999. If you believe a child is in immediate danger, the NSPCC also advises calling the police on 999 straight away. NSPCC

Reaching out for support doesn’t change what happened, but it can mean you don’t have to carry it entirely by yourself.

Final Thoughts

For years, parts of my story lived in the shadows.

Today, I can speak about them.

Not because they no longer matter.

Not because I’ve forgotten.

And certainly not because what happened was acceptable.

I speak because I survived it.

I speak because the child I once was deserved to be heard.

And I speak because somebody reading this may currently believe that what has happened to them has destroyed their chance of ever having a happy life.

It hasn’t.

Healing can take time.

There may be difficult days.

There may be things you need help to work through.

But your story doesn’t have to end with what somebody else did to you.

There can be another chapter.

I know, because I wrote mine.

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