Signs of Coercive Control: How to Recognise the Pattern and Find Support

Coercive control doesn’t always begin with something obvious.

Sometimes it starts so gradually that you don’t immediately recognise what is happening.

A comment about what you’re wearing.

Questions about who you’ve been talking to.

A partner becoming upset when you spend time with your family.

Wanting to know where you are all the time.

Taking control of the finances because they’re supposedly “better with money”.

Making you feel guilty for wanting time to yourself.

One incident on its own may not immediately look like abuse. But when these behaviours become part of a repeated pattern designed to restrict your freedom, independence and choices, something much more serious may be happening.

Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse.

Official guidance in England and Wales describes controlling or coercive behaviour as an intentional pattern that takes place over time so that one person can exert power, control or coercion over another. It is the pattern and cumulative effect that are particularly important.

And something else is incredibly important to understand:

A person does not have to hit you for a relationship to be abusive.

Women’s Aid describes coercive control as behaviour that can isolate someone, deprive them of independence, monitor their life and regulate their everyday behaviour.

Sometimes the damage is happening long before anybody else can see it.

What Does Coercive Control Feel Like?

One of the reasons coercive control can be so difficult to recognise is that you may gradually adapt your behaviour to avoid upsetting the other person.

You might begin thinking:

You might begin thinking, I’d better not say that. I’d better not wear that. I’d better answer my phone straight away. I’d better not tell them I’m going out. Before long, you may even find yourself checking that everything is “right” before they get home and avoiding disagreement altogether.

Eventually, you may find yourself constantly thinking about how the other person might react.

This is often described as walking on eggshells.

I’ve written separately about the signs you may be walking on eggshells in a relationship, because sometimes recognising that feeling is the first indication that something isn’t right.

A healthy relationship should not require you to continually make yourself smaller in order to keep somebody else calm.

1. Isolation From Friends and Family

Isolation is one of the warning signs of coercive control.

It doesn’t always begin with:

“You’re not allowed to see your family.”

It can be much more subtle.

Your partner may criticise your friends or tell you that your family interferes too much. Perhaps they create an argument whenever you arrange to go somewhere, or become cold and withdrawn afterwards. Eventually, the consequences of seeing other people can become so unpleasant that you simply stop bothering.

Over time, your world can become smaller.

Women’s Aid includes preventing someone from seeing friends and relatives, monitoring communications and restricting where they can go among recognised examples of abusive behaviour.

Isolation also removes something incredibly valuable: perspective.

When you no longer have trusted people around you, it can become much harder to recognise how much the relationship has changed.

2. Monitoring Your Phone and Whereabouts

There is a difference between two people willingly sharing parts of their lives and one person demanding constant access to another.

Warning signs can include:

• checking your phone or messages
• demanding passwords
• monitoring social media
• repeatedly asking where you are
• expecting immediate replies
• checking who you have spoken to
• using technology to track you
• becoming angry if you switch off location sharing
• accusing you of hiding something because you want privacy

Official guidance recognises monitoring a person’s time and monitoring through online communication tools or spyware as examples associated with coercive control.

Privacy is not evidence that somebody has something to hide.

You are allowed personal boundaries within a relationship.

3. Controlling Your Money

Financial control can create enormous dependency.

A controlling partner might take responsibility for all the money, restrict what you can spend, scrutinise purchases, prevent you from working or interfere with your ability to earn your own income.

You may even find yourself having to ask permission to buy ordinary things.

Financial control can make leaving particularly difficult because knowing that a relationship is unhealthy and having the practical means to leave it are two very different things.

Controlling finances is recognised as one of the behaviours that may form part of coercive control.

Someone controlling the money doesn’t automatically mean coercive control is occurring—couples organise finances in many different ways.

The question is whether the arrangement is mutually agreed and respectful, or whether money is being used to restrict somebody else’s independence and choices.

4. Constant Criticism and Belittling

Repeated criticism can slowly change how you see yourself.

Perhaps nothing you do is quite right.

You may be told that you’re too sensitive, too emotional, too difficult, too stupid or too needy.

Or apparently nobody else would ever want you.

If you hear messages like these often enough, you may eventually begin believing them.

Women’s Aid identifies repeatedly putting somebody down, humiliation and degradation among behaviours associated with coercive control. Women’s Aid

This is very different from the ordinary disagreements that occur in relationships.

Healthy partners can disagree without deliberately dismantling one another’s confidence.

5. Gaslighting and Making You Doubt Yourself

Gaslighting is a term that is sometimes used too casually.

Someone remembering an event differently from you doesn’t automatically mean they are gaslighting you.

Within an abusive pattern, however, a person may repeatedly deny things that happened, distort events, dismiss your experiences or insist that your reactions prove there is something wrong with you.

You may hear:

“I never said that.”

“You’re imagining things.”

“You’re too sensitive.”

“You’re paranoid.”

“That never happened.”

Over time, you may stop trusting your own judgement.

You may even begin looking to the person hurting you to tell you what is real.

That loss of self-trust can be incredibly damaging.

6. Controlling What You Wear, Where You Go or Who You See

Control can gradually spread into almost every area of life.

A partner might try to decide:

what you wear, who you speak to, where you go, when you go out, when you sleep, whether you work, how you spend money or who you see.

They may present some of this as love:

“I only worry because I care about you.”

“I’m protecting you.”

“I just don’t trust other people around you.”

Care and control are not the same thing.

Official guidance specifically recognises taking control over aspects of someone’s everyday life—including where they can go, who they can see and what they can wear—as potential coercive behaviour.

7. Jealousy That Becomes Control

Jealousy isn’t automatically coercive control.

But jealousy can become abusive when somebody uses it to justify surveillance, accusations, restrictions or punishment.

You may find yourself constantly having to prove that you haven’t done anything wrong.

The questions may become relentless: Who were you talking to? Why did that person look at you? Why did you take so long to reply? Why are you wearing that?

Eventually, you can find yourself changing perfectly innocent behaviour simply to avoid another accusation.

That isn’t trust.

8. Threats and Intimidation

Threats don’t always involve somebody explicitly saying they will physically hurt you.

Intimidation can include smashing things, punching walls, destroying belongings, using physical size to frighten you, threatening children or pets, threatening to reveal private information, or threatening consequences if you don’t comply.

Some abusive partners also threaten to harm themselves if the other person leaves.

Women’s Aid identifies threats, intimidation, destruction of possessions and threats of self-harm or suicide among behaviours that can occur within domestic abuse. Women’s Aid

If somebody uses fear to make you comply, take that seriously.

9. Affection Becomes Conditional

Love should not become a reward for obedience.

In a controlling relationship, affection may disappear when you assert yourself and return when you comply.

You may find yourself thinking:

If I just do what they want, everything will be lovely again.

That cycle can make the relationship extremely confusing.

Periods of kindness don’t necessarily cancel out controlling behaviour.

Look at the overall pattern, rather than only the good days or the bad days.

10. You Begin Losing Yourself

Sometimes the biggest warning sign isn’t something your partner does.

It’s what has happened to you.

Perhaps you used to be confident. You saw friends, laughed, enjoyed hobbies, trusted your decisions and knew what you wanted.

Now you may second-guess everything. Perhaps you apologise constantly, avoid certain subjects or feel nervous when your phone rings. You may find yourself watching their mood when they enter the room and realise that you’ve stopped doing many of the things you once loved.

And somewhere along the way, you barely recognise yourself anymore.

This loss of identity is something I understand deeply, and it is one of the reasons I wrote Out of the Shadows.

My own story is ultimately about finding your way back to yourself, recognising that your past doesn’t have to define your future, and learning that choosing yourself is allowed.

Coercive Control Isn’t Always Obvious From the Outside

One of the most difficult things about coercive control is that other people may see a completely different person.

The person who controls you privately may appear charming, generous or attentive publicly.

People might tell you:

“They’re lovely.”

“You’re so lucky.”

“They obviously adore you.”

And that can make you question yourself even more.

But other people’s experience of somebody doesn’t invalidate your experience behind closed doors.

Domestic abuse can be psychological, emotional, economic, sexual, physical or digital. It doesn’t need to fit a stereotypical image before it deserves to be taken seriously. Women’s Aid

Why Is Coercive Control So Difficult to Leave?

People sometimes ask:

“Why don’t they just leave?”

That question misunderstands the nature of coercive control.

Imagine having your confidence gradually stripped away.

Your friendships weakened.

Your finances controlled.

Your decisions questioned.

Your independence reduced.

Perhaps there are children involved.

Perhaps you have nowhere obvious to go.

Perhaps you still love the person.

Perhaps you are frightened of what will happen if you try to leave.

Perhaps you’ve been told repeatedly that nobody will believe you.

Leaving isn’t always a single decision.

It can be a process.

And somebody experiencing coercive control doesn’t need judgement about why they haven’t left yet.

They need information, safety and support.

Be Careful About Confronting a Controlling Partner

Advice such as “set firm boundaries and tell them their behaviour is unacceptable” sounds sensible in an ordinary unhealthy relationship.

In an abusive relationship, it may not always be safe.

If you believe someone is controlling or abusing you, particularly if you are frightened of how they might react, you don’t have to confront them before seeking help.

You can speak confidentially to a specialist domestic-abuse service and discuss your circumstances and options.

Official guidance emphasises reducing risk and supporting victims rather than expecting the person experiencing abuse to manage the perpetrator’s behaviour themselves.

Should You Keep Evidence?

Keeping a record of incidents, messages, photographs or other information may sometimes be useful.

But your safety comes first.

If someone monitors your phone, computer, email or belongings, storing evidence where they can find it could potentially put you at greater risk.

A specialist domestic-abuse adviser can help you think about safe ways of documenting what is happening if that is appropriate for your circumstances.

If you use text, email or online support, consider whether somebody else has access to your device or accounts. Welsh Government’s Live Fear Free service specifically advises people using its text service to do so when safe and to consider deleting messages that an abusive person could discover. GOV.WALES

Make a Safety Plan With Support

If you are thinking about leaving, you don’t have to work everything out alone.

A safety plan might consider where you could go, who you could contact, important documents, medication, money, children’s needs, pets and safe ways to communicate.

But everybody’s circumstances are different.

Rather than following a generic internet checklist without considering your individual risk, speaking to a specialist domestic-abuse service can help you make a plan appropriate to your situation.

Coercive Control and the Law

In England and Wales, controlling or coercive behaviour can constitute a criminal offence under section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015.

The legal test is more specific than simply recognising unhealthy behaviour in a relationship. Among other requirements, the behaviour must be repeated or continuous, have a serious effect on the victim, and occur within the relevant definition of people who are personally connected. GOV.UK

So you don’t need to decide for yourself whether what you’ve experienced meets the legal definition before asking for support.

You can talk to somebody about what is happening first.

If You’re Beginning to Recognise Your Own Relationship

Perhaps you’ve read this far because something feels familiar.

Maybe you’ve been explaining things away for months or years.

Maybe you don’t even know whether you would call what you’re experiencing abuse.

You don’t have to have all the answers today.

Start with one question:

Do I feel safe, respected and free to be myself in this relationship?

If the answer is no—or if you are frightened of your partner or somebody in your family—please consider talking confidentially to somebody who understands domestic abuse.

You don’t need to wait until something becomes physical.

You don’t need to wait until things become “bad enough”.

And you don’t need to make every decision at once.

Finding Support in Wales

Because Age of Awakening is based in South Wales, I particularly want readers here to know about Live Fear Free.

The Welsh Government’s Live Fear Free Helpline supports anyone experiencing domestic abuse or sexual violence, as well as friends, relatives and professionals who are concerned about somebody. It operates 24 hours a day, seven days a week. GOV.WALES

Live Fear Free Helpline: 0808 80 10 800

Text: 07860077333

You can also use email and live chat through the service. Calls are confidential, and advisers can talk through your options; you do not have to be ready to take action before contacting them. GOV.WALES

Live Fear Free – Welsh Government

If you are in immediate danger, call 999. GOV.WALES

For readers elsewhere in the UK, Women’s Aid also provides information about recognising coercive control and finding appropriate domestic-abuse support.

Women’s Aid – Coercive Control

Finding Yourself Again

Coercive control can slowly change the way you see yourself.

It can make you doubt your instincts.

It can make you believe you are difficult, incapable or somehow responsible for another person’s behaviour.

Healing can involve rebuilding the relationship you have with yourself.

Learning to trust yourself again.

Rediscovering what you enjoy.

Reconnecting with people.

Setting healthy boundaries.

Remembering who you were before somebody else began telling you who you should be.

If you are at that stage of your journey, my article on learning to trust yourself again may also help.

And if you have spent a long time feeling responsible for everybody else’s emotions, learning about healthy boundaries can become an important part of rebuilding your life.

You Are Still You

One of the most damaging things about coercive control is how gradually it can take away your sense of freedom.

But underneath all the doubt, fear and conditioning, you are still there.

Your opinions matter.

Your feelings matter.

Your boundaries matter.

Your friendships matter.

Your independence matters.

And your life belongs to you.

Recognising coercive control doesn’t mean you have to know exactly what happens next.

Sometimes recognising the pattern is simply the first step towards understanding what has been happening.

From there, you can begin gathering information, reaching for appropriate support and making decisions at a pace that takes your safety and circumstances into account.

Most importantly, remember this:

Love should never require you to live in fear of another person’s reaction.

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