Signs of Coercive Control

Recognising signs of coercive control is crucial for identifying unhealthy and potentially abusive relationships. Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour that seeks to dominate and control another person through manipulation, intimidation, and emotional abuse. Here are some common signs of coercive control and steps to take if you notice it:

1. Isolation: The person may try to isolate you from friends, family, or support networks, making you dependent on them for emotional and social needs.

2. Monitoring and Surveillance: They may excessively monitor your activities, including checking your phone, social media, or whereabouts, often under the guise of concern.

3. Manipulation of Finances: Controlling access to money or financial resources, making you financially dependent on them, or restricting your ability to work.

4. Emotional Abuse: This can include belittling, gaslighting, or constant criticism, which undermines your self-esteem and confidence.

5. Threats and Intimidation: Using threats of violence, self-harm, or other forms of intimidation to instil fear and compliance.

6. Controlling Behaviour: Dictating what you wear, who you can see, or how you spend your time, often justified as “caring” or “protective.”

7. Excessive Jealousy: Displaying extreme jealousy or possessiveness, often leading to accusations of infidelity or mistrust.

8. Withholding Affection: Using affection as a tool for control, such as giving or withdrawing love based on your compliance with their demands.

9. Gaslighting: Making you doubt your perceptions, memories, or feelings, leading you to question your reality.

10. Conditional Love: Showing love and approval only when you meet their expectations or demands, creating a sense of worth tied to their approval.

What to Do When You Notice Coercive Control

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognise that your feelings are valid. If something feels off or uncomfortable, trust your instincts.

2. Document the Behaviour: Keep a record of specific incidents that demonstrate coercive control. This can be helpful if you decide to seek help or take action later.

3. Reach Out for Support: Talk to trusted friends, family members, or professionals about your experiences. They can provide perspective, validation, and support.

4. Educate Yourself: Learn more about coercive control and abusive relationships. Understanding the dynamics can empower you to recognise patterns and make informed decisions.

5. Set Boundaries: If it feels safe to do so, establish clear boundaries with the person exhibiting controlling behaviour. Communicate what is acceptable and what is not.

6. Seek Professional Help: Consider speaking with a therapist or counsellor who specialises in abusive relationships. They can provide guidance and support tailored to your situation.

7. Create a Safety Plan: If you feel threatened or unsafe, develop a safety plan. This may include identifying safe places to go, having a packed bag ready, or knowing who to call for help.

8. Consider Legal Options: If the situation escalates or you feel in danger, explore legal options such as restraining orders or reporting the behaviour to the Police or a Social Worker for example.

9. Trust Yourself: Remember that you deserve to be in a healthy, respectful relationship. Trust your instincts and prioritise your well-being.

10. Know You’re Not Alone: Many people experience coercive control, and there are resources available to help. Organisations and hotlines can provide support and guidance.

Recognising coercive control is the first step toward reclaiming your autonomy and well-being. If you or someone you know is experiencing these signs, it’s important to take action and seek support. Remember, you are not alone, and there are resources available to help you navigate this challenging situation.

An Example of Coercive Control

Scenario: Sarah and Mark

Background: Sarah and Mark have been in a relationship for two years. Initially, Mark seemed caring and attentive, but over time, his behaviour began to change.

Signs of Coercive Control:

1. Isolation: Mark starts to express disapproval when Sarah wants to spend time with her friends or family. He often says things like, “Why do you need to go out with them? They don’t care about you like I do.” Gradually, Sarah begins to spend less time with her loved ones, feeling guilty for wanting to see them.

2. Monitoring: Mark frequently checks Sarah’s phone without her permission. He asks her to share her passwords and becomes upset if she refuses. He often says, “If you have nothing to hide, why won’t you let me see your messages?”

3. Emotional Abuse: Mark belittles Sarah’s achievements and makes her feel inadequate. He often says things like, “You’re lucky I’m with you; no one else would want you.” This constant criticism erodes Sarah’s self-esteem.

4. Financial Control: Mark manages all the finances and gives Sarah a limited allowance for personal expenses. He often says, “I know how to handle money better than you do,” making her feel incapable of managing her own finances.

5. Conditional Affection: Mark shows affection only when Sarah complies with his demands. If she disagrees with him or asserts her independence, he withdraws affection, saying, “If you really loved me, you would do what I ask.”

6. Gaslighting: When Sarah expresses her feelings about Mark’s controlling behaviour, he dismisses her concerns, saying, “You’re just being paranoid. You’re imagining things.” This makes Sarah doubt her perceptions and feelings.

The Impact on Sarah

Over time, Sarah feels increasingly trapped and anxious. She begins to question her worth and feels isolated from her support network. The coercive control has created a dynamic where she feels dependent on Mark for emotional support and validation, despite the negative impact on her well-being.

This example illustrates how coercive control can manifest in a relationship, leading to emotional and psychological harm. Recognising these behaviours is crucial for individuals in similar situations, as it can empower them to seek help and make informed decisions about their relationships. If you or someone you know is experiencing coercive control, it’s important to reach out for support https://www.ageofawakening.co.uk/helplines/.

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